What Hath God Wrought? A Xander x Captain fic
by the-hippie-whittlers
Summary: What happens when Xander from Drawn Together and Hans from Hellsing meet one night in a club? Will there be love? Blood? Spanking? Will the ending make no logical sense? There's only one way to find out. BTW this is by Veronica.


Xander x Captain

It was Friday night and Xander was in the middle of one of the hottest clubs in town. The dance floor was so crowded he didn't dare attempt to dance lest he get lost in the waves of people and never make it back. He took another sip of his appletini and sighed as he recalled the circumstances around his coming there that night. The day started off well enough in the drawn together house, in fact everyone seemed to be acting a little more mature recently. Despite this or maybe because of it, Captain Hero seemed determined to get the group out of the house and into more wild surroundings. At first Xander had protested. He remembered all too well what had happened last time they went to a club and never wanted to see that much blood again. And the screaming, it still haunted him when he closed his eyes. Nevertheless Foxxy sided with Hero as she thought it might be a good bonding experience.

So they all piled into the Foxxy 5 van and off they went to "Shro". As soon as they got there, however, everyone else disappeared. First Toot went off to find the buffet, then Wooldoor went to the men's room (and kept returning there every five minutes), and Captain Hero went off to look for a 12 year old girl and/or a donkey. As for the others, Clara had refused to go with them, something about the bible and Ling Ling, well he wasn't quite sure where Ling Ling was, but he assumed he was probably dead.

That left Xander alone sitting at the bar and glancing at his watch every thirty seconds. His patience had run out a few hours ago and he would have just left if he could only find the door. To make matters worse he thought he had spied his ex Craig and was so startled he spilled his drink all over his blue armor. So now he was cold and sticky and bored. It wasn't so much the stickiness that got to him, he was kind of used to that, it was the crushing boredom. He stared down into the bright red liquid in his hand trying to get his thoughts lost in the crimson waves when he heard a voice.

"Excuse me, is this seat taken?"

Xander glanced up to see a tall man in a grey trench coat and hat, his face obscured so he could only see his eyes. The man's eyes were like polished black stones on which the multicolored lights of the club danced and played. They were hypnotic and somehow excited Xander. The strange man repeated his question not sure that Xander had heard him the first time. Without taking his eyes off the man he shook his head no.

Taking that as his queue, the mysterious stranger removed his coat and hat and sat down next to Xander. He wasn't wearing a shirt and his beautifully sculpted muscles glistened with sweat, a result of him being in the club with such a heavy coat on. The tips of his dark shaggy bangs also shown with perspiration, contrasting with the rest of his carefully gelled and styled hair. As the man sat down upon the stool, Xander took the opportunity to examine a little lower. He wore baggy brown pants with a thick black leather belt around his waist. On his feet were imposing black army boots that laced up to his calves and into which his pants were tucked.

Xander didn't usually like meeting people at clubs like this, but there was something about this man that excited him and even scared him a little. He wanted more. So he smiled at the man and cheerfully exclaimed, "Hi. I'm Xander." The man looked up from his frosted glass, his cold stare whipping the smile off of Xander's face. Xander wasn't sure what to do next so he just stared at the man as he stared back. Finally the man blinked and said, just loud enough to be heard, "I'm Hans." Xander couldn't help himself and he smiled again, his grin splitting his face from ear to ear. Hans couldn't help it and he smirked ever so slightly at the cute little man child before him.

Like Xander Hans had also been an unwilling accomplice in the plans of his teammates. This weekend everyone was on shore leave and the Major had insisted that everyone leave the air ship and enjoy the city one last time before they destroyed it. Hans didn't know what to do at first, but then he remembered about this club, club "Shro" which he dad frequented often during his more wild days. For nostalgia's sake he decided he might be fun to go back. At first he had regretted coming back here as the place has changed so much he no longer recognized it. He hated all the young people who had taken over his hang out and made it into another fade. But after downing a few beers he wasn't so upset anymore. And now as he thought about the man next to him, he considered the possibility that the night could be fun after all.

"Come on, let's dance," he commanded, grabbing Xander's arm and dragging him onto the floor.

"But-but-but-," was all Xander could get out before he was plop, right in the middle of three hundred people all moving and flowing around him. He stood there at first, arms folded, letting the people just bump into him and he looked around for his captor. The tall, muscular man was nowhere to be found. "What an asshole," Xander thought. "Dragging me onto the floor and then abandoning me here." Just then the song changed and he recognized it at once. Lady Gaga! And it was Love Game, his favorite of her songs. He couldn't help himself as he began to sway and bob his head, eventually becoming indistinguishable in the crowd of dancing people. He closed his eyes and shouted along to the song. "Let's have some fun, this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick!"

At that moment something warm and wet touched his ear and he heard someone whisper, "You really are a little slut, shouting something like that." Xander's eyes flew open and he saw that the man was back, or rather he had never really left as apparently he had been watching Xander the entire time. Xander felt his face redden and even the tips of his ears burned with shame and with something else he couldn't quite put his finger on.

The man put his mouth right up to Xanders face and whispered once again, "If you really want it that bad, come with me." And with that the man turned and left the floor disappearing into the inky darkness of the club. Without thinking Xander's feet starting moving forward. He couldn't believe himself, I mean he had had a lot of gay sex before, a lot of gay sex, I mean a lot a lot a lot a lot of gay sex, but there was something different about this man. Not like when he had been with Tim, something darker and more sinister. He went off into the direction the man had walked and found a small entry way he hadn't noticed before with a man standing in front of it. The man looked at him almost as if he had been expecting him.

"Ummmmm, did a man named Hans go back here?" He shyly asked, expecting to either rget no reply or to be told to go away. The man just casually pointed to the door frame, lifting his eyebrows as if to say "he's in there, aren't you going to go in?" Xander nodded to the man, acknowledging this unspoken exchange and proceeded inside. The hallway was very dark with a few lamps every few feet lighting the way. The hall seemed to go on forever, but eventually he came to the end. At first he thought it was just a dead end, but then he realized that there was a small silver doorknob protruding from the black wall. He reached out and quickly turned it, eager to have his curiosity satiated by seeing what was behind the door. The lighting inside the room wasn't much better but he could see that there was a bed in the middle of the room with a chandelier hanging over it glowing dimly and the entire ceiling was covered with broken pieces of glass, creating a sort of mirror mosaic. He jump, startled as another door in the room opened and the man from earlier emerged, apparently from an attached bath room with a towel around his neck.

"About time you showed up," he snickered.

Xander's heart raced at the scene before him. There was something intimidating about the man's tone of voice and his posture that made Xander want to flee; to run and never look back. But instead, he just stood in the doorway like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Well," Hans said bluntly, "Come on. Get on the bed."

Still Xander didn't move.

"If you don't do as I say, there will be consequences. So, I'm only going to say this one more time. Get on the bed now." Seeing that Xander had no intention of fulfilling this request Hans sighed and started to undo his belt. Before Xander could protest Hans picked him up, tossed him over his shoulder, walked to the bed, sat on its edge, and put Xander face down across his lap. He picked up the thick belt and caressed it lightly over Xander's exposed bottom. Xander shuddered at the sensation, enjoying the cool leather on his hot body. He felt the heat transfer to a different place, below his belt. Then, without warning he felt a little slap. He jumped, not at the pain, for it was too light to hurt, but out of surprise. Again, and again, the belt came down with a "slp", Xander's back arching each time it made contact, his erection steadily growing. He was actually beginning to enjoy this strange play, when it stopped. Disappointed he let out a low sigh.

"O, you liked that did you? Then it wasn't much of a punishment was it? I'm going to have to do better so you learn your lesson."

With that Hans took up the belt again and this time he brought it down hard with a "thwak". Xander gave a little yelp at the pain and felt his warmth radiating from where the belt had hit. On the third or fourth hit Xander barely felt the pain anymore as the endorphins started to kick in. His mind wandered as he drifted out into a realm of pure pleasure, only to be violently brought back as he was flipped over on the Captain's lap.

"My, my, for what I assume to be your first time at this, you sure do have a delightful reaction. So cute, so willing, so hot for my touch." As he said this last thing he placed his hand over Xander's loin cloth kneading his hardness through the light material.

Xander tried to hold himself back but he couldn't help but let escape a few groans of pleasure. He closed his eyes to try to hide his shame as he felt the cloth around his waist being pulled down to his ankles. He let out a little gasp as he felt a warm tongue engulf his throbbing member. It licked and played for several minutes, alternating between swallowing him whole and giving the softest of kisses to the head. Xander could feel something welling up inside him and knew he was getting close to the edge.

"I can't- I can't" he tried to choke out, but it was too late.

As he fell over the edge into white hot pleasure he could feel Hans seal his mouth around his rod as he captured every last drop. Only after he was able to finally catch his breath did Xander have a sudden and horrific realization. His eyes flew open to meet Han's black pebbles.

"Are you…alright?" He nervously asked.

Hans smiled at the silly question and opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out. He tried again, but still no sound came from his throat. Xander couldn't hold himself back as he burst into tears. What had he done? How could he forget that his cum had certain...magical properties. Hadn't he sworn to himself he would never let it happen again? He could only think of one way out. He got off the bed and pulled his sword from his belt.

"Goodbye cruel world!" he shouted as he plunged the blade into his stomach. His body flashed as a little jingle played and he was reincarnated. 48 lives left. This was gonna take a while.

Meanwhile the Captain sat on the edge of the bed amused at Xander's antics. It sucked that he was mute now, but he found something strangely erotic about Xander's repeated attempts to kill himself. He felt his hand travel lower and lower until it found its target.

"I guess this wasn't such a bad night after all," he thought to himself as Xander stuck the blade into himself for the 10th time. He felt his body convulse and he smiled at the sensation of his warm seed covering his hand.


End file.
